toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
wow
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.