My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy