Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?