Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
be careful
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?