I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
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Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER