Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?