[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf