My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO