An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
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Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Can’t. Being lazy.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you