if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task