Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.