Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.