Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
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[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!