Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”