I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Krampus.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.