Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO