AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
This is always good for a laugh.
me when the borders lift
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.