It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Does beer think about me too?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut