Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Labreador
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.