“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
every. time.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack