Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.