Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
You Might Also Like
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.