“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Breaking news:
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck