All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
You Might Also Like
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said