11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!