My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
asking santa clause for nudes
mumsnet is amazing
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Blew my mind.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.