How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
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washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Coffee for people with no kids
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular