People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?