Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
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*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Don’t snitch tag.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party