If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
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Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Jupiter
I feel seen
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Pringles
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.