The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.