Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!