HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
This could’ve been an email.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.