This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting