Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
respect