When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
You Might Also Like
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
the best thing i’ve ever made
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written