Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you