If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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This is me
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”