The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Google assistant rules
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said