ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Sponch
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’