The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape