I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Meow
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.