Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
North and South
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me if I was a dog
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
A short story about romance.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.