My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Every haunted house movie: