All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
ACED my prostate exam!
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Does your wife know you’re single?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.