This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
You Might Also Like
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Every house has this drawer
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.