My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
catch me on valentine’s day like
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.