I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE