[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.