When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I hate when that happens.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
not to brag, but mine was free
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes